Maybe I will be able to untangle these thoughts out of my head if I write them down and find some answer that I have been looking for, so here goes.
It was exactly a year ago from this month that my I left my mother’s house in a storm of anger and hurt and moved in with some guy I had just met several weeks prior. He had a big house with his brother and didn’t require me to pay rent since at the time I was working at a job for minumun wage…so it all worked out in my favor for a little bit. But since then so much has happened. From my best friend coming home for the summer to us living in a trashy motel for a bit, to one day realizing that I was packing up what little stuff I had to my name and moving to Rochester, NY to live in a small apartment with my best friend…and thinking (at the time) it would be a clean and fresh start.
And it was. It was a new place with new people and a new world of oppturnities that lay ahead of me. I could start over and wipe clean of my past and become a different me. Well as they say, old habits are hard to die and it dawned on me that no matter how far I travel or how many people I meet or situations I encounter….I can’t change who I am as a person. I am stubborn, defiant, hot tempered and never willing to go without a fight.
Once I turned 21, the “new world” that I thought awaited here for me in Rochester turned out to be nothing but…drinking and going to bars…or A bar I should say. Alochol was my new companion and I can’t tell you how many nights and money I spent at that bar drinking away all my problems and fears and sorrows. I can now understand why people become alocholics. But what I can say? Doesn’t every 21 year old go through this? Wrong. Unlike them going out to the bars on the weekends with their friends, I was drinking alone on a sunday night, monday night kind of regular basis. Why? I was working at a pizzeria for a 28 year old boss who was just a boy in my opinion and struggling with money and living paycheck to paycheck and not having much of a social life with people my own age. It didn’t help that I live right across from a college campus so when I would see young college kids come into the bar with their friends, I couldn’t help but think I wanted to hang with people my own age. But the more comfortable I got at the bar, the more comfortable I became with the regulars. Who all happened to be atleast 20 or 30 years older than me. But ironically, they were the one’s I could joke with and drink with and have a good time with. And over time, the young college kids became annoying to me. How funny is that?
Anyway I’m getting off topic. The biggest thing that happened here in Rochester for me was Faith bailing on the apartment and forcing in a way for me to move in with a man I had just recently started dating. Let me back track, Faith and I moved in August. It was at the end of October that I had met Mike at the bar and started seeing him. Now between September and beginning of November Faith and I were having issues paying our rent. And in all honesty before moving to NY I knew this would happen. I knew in the back of my mind, paying the rent would be our biggest issue since neither one of us really had to do it before. Not two weeks after we moved in Faith dumped her old boyfriend and started seeing a new boy and by the beginning of September she was sleeping over his house. From then on almost every night she slept over, leaving me alone in an emptey apartment on a regular basis. That from the start didn’t help me or my alochol problems. Being alone in a new place and not knowing many people, got me real depressed and lonley. I won’t bother going into much detail about that.
Moving on…so right around the time I started seeing Mike, she began to bring the topic of her moving in with her boyfriend. And let me tell you, I was not happy about it. But I knew we were both struggling with money and already behind on our rent. However at the same time I wasn’t sure where I would go. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own and it was only a one bedroom so finding a roommate would be hard enough. Mike was my only choice but moving in with someone who you JUST started dating never ends well. Regardless I really didn’t see much of a choice. So I explained the situation to him and Mike being the nice guy he was, let me move in.
So Faith and I made a plan and we officially moved in with our boyfriends at the end of December. Our landlord used our security deposit to pay our Novemeber rent and we paid our Decemeber rent (with the help from my mother). Right around that time, I started having issues with Faith. I resented her for bailing on the apartment and for her basically devoting her life to her boyfriend when this was supposed to be our time to do girl things and be single and have fun. I was jealous, and I won’t deny it. I also was still dealing with the fact that she slept over her boyfriend’s house every night and left me alone a lot. But to give her credit, she would ask me everyday if I wanted her to stay over the apartment with me. And for the most part I did say no only because I knew she would much prefer to be over her boyfriend’s house…since that’s how “new” relationships start. You want to spend 24/7 with them.
So let me move onto Mike. The other big character in my chapter of my life here in NY. Mike was somebody totally different than I had ever been with before. He was ten years older than me and not a little boy but a MAN. He was funny, could drink like a true Irish man, and was always calm and easy going. Nothing seemed to upset him. He was not jealous or controlling or immature unlike all the other guys I had been with before. He had a full beard and a Harley and could afford to pay for my drinks or food or movies. I found myself really liking him and over time he was the one who helped me move on from the first guy that I ever fell in love with.
But as any relationship will have it, we developed our own issues. Mike is a very private man. Doesn’t let anybody in and whatever he was going through whether it be good or bad, he kept it to himself. He was also depressed and would literally sleep the day away and then be up at all odds of the night. He also loved to drink. Now I wouldn’t consider him an alocholic but he was very much a social drinker. The biggest issue we both came across with each other was stubborness. And man let me tell you, he has got to be one of the MOST stubborn people I have ever come across. Mike also went by his motto “it’s my way or the high way”. So him being stubborn and whatever he says goes, didn’t settle well with me at all. But since I really liked him and knew that he was a genuinely good guy and had my best interest at heart, I tried going along with it. But like I mentioned earlier, I can’t help who I am and the one thing I know about me is that I do not take kindly to people telling me what to do. Ask my Mother. She know’s all too well from experience.
So two people who moved in together too soon, who are equally stubborn as one another, spelled trouble from the beginning. But 8 months later, we somehow are still managing to live together. But here is my problem and it all comes down to this….Mike is pushing me out the door now. He realized (way before I did) that this relationship would not work out. He also knew that dating him is not an easy task. And since he truly cares for me (more than any other girl he has been with) what he is trying to do is push me out the door because he feels that there is not much in Rochester for me and that I should be going back to school and getting a degree where I can better my life. He also knows that if I keep staying with him, I won’t amount to much in life and he doesn’t want to be the one to hold me back.
And from his point of view I can completely understand where he is coming from. Any other guy would just keep me around for sex. But not Mike. He wants me to experience the world and “spead my wings” as cliche as that sounds. Now from my point of view…I am comfortable with where I am now. I have struggled so much here in Rochester that I am now finally feeling like things are looking up. I don’t drink as much, I have begun to hang out with girls and form new friendships and although I don’t have a job as of this moment, I feel like I can still find a good job here.
But as of this point, I’m just not sure. They say always go with your gut but even what my gut tells me….I’m still lost.
i may not be your cup of tea but i’m your 10th shot of tequila